


That Time When Erwin and Levi Stopped Being Erwin and Levi.

by sultryzucchini



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Shit headcanons, Some Humor, Tons of shit jokes, headcanons, nothing serious really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:09:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sultryzucchini/pseuds/sultryzucchini
Summary: It started with a laxative because the blonde's constipated, then it progressed to that God-tier discovery that Levi is, and undoubtedly, lactose intolerant.
Kudos: 5





	1. If Erwin Had Diarrhea...

You won’t notice it at all... _at first._

In public, the man is flawless. He’d maintain the image of dignity and trust while still being borderline intimidating with that dash of friendliness. Because you know, he is basically the face of the Survey Corps.

Well not until you make it to the carriage and the road suddenly becomes a little **bumpy**...

You see his knees are tense, his thighs kind of flexed and you realize he’s actually trying to not let his ass touch the seat, especially when the wheels hit a stone and the carriage would wobble.

Something’s not right, Erwin Smith is sweating bullets.

And then if that’s not weird, his lips would purse, as if trying to hold something back. Is it a fart? The outrageous and everlasting shame of soiling his pants little by little at this point of life with you in the carriage to witness? 

Oh, how he prays it’s not.

And then, he’ll want to avoid the air rush while the carriage is moving. You’ll notice he’ll cross his arms in the middle of summer air, the air in his forearms would stand up and prickle his skin.

And once the pleasantries are over, his walks are much more hasty, but his strides are shorter than the usual long, intimidating go-getter. His glutes contracted, and his posture is straighter.

Thinking you might as well praise him for getting things done today, you decided to do it with a slap in his ass...

... but he returned the favor with a long, strenuous fart he’d been keeping all day, and a face of defeat. 

The last thing he did before he goes _Sasageyo!_ with his ass blowing trumpet of rage was apologize to you with a smile. 

You remind yourself never to give him laxatives when he says he’d been constipated for days. 


	2. If Levi was Lactose Intolerant...

This guy likes tea... right?

So you asked him about what he feels about milk tea and he says he doesn’t have an opinion about it since milk, sugar and other additives costs too much. Not that he doesn’t like variety in his tea, it’s just that even with his salary doing military stuff, they still are pricey.

And so, you decide to surprise him with milk tea... with bobba. Zero sweetness, less ice, tea extra strong. You know the drill. 

And he sips. And sips again. And again and again until he’s halfway done with the tea. He doesn’t like the bobba so you offer to finish it for him after he’s done with the tea.

And the titans began to rumble. 

Wait no, that’s actually coming from his stomach. What did he eat?

At first, it’s the sneaky, almost unnoticeable massage of the stomach. His fingers would sneakily stroke the sides, as if trying to ease something. 

Then you will notice how his jaw would tighten add to that little twitch in his eyebrow...

The rumbling’s still there and Sasha begins to wonder if it’s stew for dinner because something is definitely _boiling..._

Well, something’s boiling but definitely not some edible stew.

Levi would divert the lady’s attention, saying something like, “It’s Jean-boy’s cooking in the kitchen.” but the lady with the keen sense isn’t buying it. 

Until out of the blue something... _smells._

Like... _rotten eggs._

He moved somewhere far from where you smelled it first and no one seems to connect the dots yet. Sasha easily pinned it to Connie who’s conveniently beside Levi just a while ago. 

Until there’s at it again, the smell of the rotten eggs. This time, Sasha side glanced at Hange, who smelled it too. 

“It’s not me!” The mad genius denies.

You know that one short, warm— almost moist, inaudible fart, but smells like the representation of all the bad things in the world? Yes, it smells like that. Worse, the wind blew and everyone covered their noses at this point.

The cold, dry wind blew it, and you see Levi’s sweating like a sinner in church. You see his contracted ass eating his trousers, his presence he easily concealed as he began to retract from the circle of conversation in the middle of the dry, windy training field.

But not to you. 

He looks annoyed, it seems like he despise everything and everyone around him at this point; his once proud, hip-swaying strides now matches his height, but in a faster tempo.

He walks with intent and urgency. This must be _**serious**_... but why?

And boy did you snort the bobba when glared at the closed bathroom, Erwin’s seemingly painful pants and groans— the type like he’s been there for hours his legs began to get needles and threads— 

“Oi Erwin, you missed the afternoon meeting, don’t tell me you’re going to hog the bathroom to yourself you selfish son of shit!” He banged the bathroom door once. 

Erwin’s asshole involuntarily gave one hell of a concert when it again blew the trumpets of nature. You just know Levi’s going to clean Erwin’s crime scene first before taking his turn but can he handle it? He doesn’t look like he can last any longer...

Levi’s nails scratch the door, the other hand clutching his stomach.

“Wait Levi...” 

“How much longer..?” Erwin took a pause, like there’s no definite answer.

“I-” _fart._ “I don’t know...” 

Levi sat down the steps leading to the bathroom, legs apart as he contemplate what made his stomach turn against him. 

You will not tell him it was the milk tea that you gave him, dreading the consequences if he ever realized. 


End file.
